An Active Mormon Who Deals with SSA/SGA

An Opportunity to Give

2011-09-24T14:50:00.000-07:00

The wife of a friend of mine is fighting a courageous battle with cancer. She received needed treatment that is not covered on their health insurance plan. If anyone reading my blog would be willing to donate to help this family with their medical costs it would be greatly appreciated. Here is the link to the website where you can donate:

http://www.everribbon.com/ribbon/view/1325

Sometimes we get too caught up in our own problems, and forget others need our help. This gives us an opportunity to help someone else!

Swimming

2011-07-15T19:06:00.001-07:00

It has been awhile since I have posted on my blog. I'm not sure that my blog is that interesting or helpful to other LDS guys. If any of my readers would like to know my thoughts on a subject, please let me know. But I'm going to make a quick post. I love summertime! I love the sun, I love the heat, and I love the long days. Summertime give me ample oppportunity to get exercise. My favorite form of exercise is swimming. I love being in the water. I try two swim 2 to 3 miles a week, depending on my schedule. I love the summertime, where I can enjoy the outdoor pools and enjoy the water and the sun.

Right now I'm training for a triathlon. I love being in the water, and I love running, but I'm not a biker. Now I got to start biking. My triathlon is in two months, so I got hit the road. I love to challenge myself. Isn't that the purpose of life, to face and overcome or at least manage challenges? Attitude also makes all the difference. Whether your dealing with SSA, a triathlon, an illness, etc., an "I can make it attitude" and hope really makes the difference on perspective. Keep the faith, and keep the hope alive!

Keeping My LIfe in Balance

2010-10-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

I loved listening and absorbing the messages from General Conference three weeks ago. I am beginning to reread the talks looking for the warnings our church leaders are giving. Two main points for me that I am getting from conference is (1) gratitude and (2) balance.

First, I could feel the love that our Father has for each of us as I listened to each of the speakers. The warnings that were given, is so each of us can be happy and have inner peace. I felt the gratitude of each of the speakers for the restored gospel. I too am grateful for the gospel -- that we have a good road map, so that we can return safely to our Father's presence. I going to try harder each day to give sincere thanks to God for the blessings he has given me - life, the Gospel of Christ, a Savior, a physical body, this beautiful earth, family, friends, etc. I'm also going to try to harder to thank others for their kindness and support.

Second, several times throughout conference, I was reminded to keep my life in balance. We have limited time, limited resources, and other limitations. I want to spend my time wisely and with purpose. A friend emailed me last week and said, he was thinking of closing an email account, because he was spending so much time checking it -- on SSA groups and issues. He said, he realized he was spending too much time thinking about, and talking about SSA. He realized he needed more balance in his life, he is turning to email less frequently. BRAVO!

I have been asked by several followers why I only post a blog about once a month. I don't want to become too self absorbed or caught-up in the SSA world. I have a great life, and SSA is a small part of it. I don't spend time searching blogs, or discussion groups on SSA. I don't want it to consume me. I have other more important responsibilities to take care of: family, work, church, neighbors, friends, community service, etc. Plus I need to take care of myself: daily exercise, scripture study, etc.

I'm not saying blogging is bad, or email is bad, or the subject of SSA is bad. I just think it is important to keep a balance in our lives, and not let the SSA aspect of our lives take control over other important responsibilities. I know as I don't focus on myself, but focus on others the SSA diminishes greatly. For me becomeing self-absorbed with my own SSA, is self-destructive. I notice with my closet friends, we are close not because someone is SSA or non-SSA. We are close because we share common interests, and enjoy serving one another and others.

Recognition of an Attraction

2010-09-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

I love to attend the temple as regularly as possible, to feel the Lord's spirit, and receive personal revelation. I really appreciate what Beck wrote a couple of posts ago, and I wanted to make a few comments of my own.

As I have pondered about my recognition of an attraction to men, I have had experiences in the temple, at church, at home, at work, and other places, and felt that I have received personal inspiration, (for me) about the following:

(1) Recognizing a good looking man is not bad, it is not a sin, its what I do with the recognition of the attraction that can become problematic. Fantasies and lust are a sin -- "as a man thinketh so is he." I have trained my mind not to go there.
(2) I am not gay - that is label that just boxes someone in a corner,what does that means anyway? I dislike that word.
(3) I am not a homosexual -- I don't have sexual relationships with men, nor do I want such.
(4) Living a homosexual lifestyle is a sin -- the family is the basic governmental unit in God's plan, it is not appropriate for me to date or seek a relationship with another man.
(5) I am happily married to a woman, and I love her. I want to be with her forever.
(6) As I embrace the plan of salvation, the proclamation to the family, etc., and as I seek appropriate male friendships, and have good male bonding opportunities, and serve the Lord, I notice the attraction diminishes and is less and less on the forefront of my mind.
(7) I am not that different from other men. I notice I have similar thoughts, similar perspectives, similar mannerism's as other men that I associate with.
(8) I believe that I am worthy to serve the Lord in any position that he calls me. I love service -- it fills huge voids in my life, and teaches me the value and significance of the Lord's plan.
(9) Recognizing an attraction to men, is just a part of who I am. We all have individual characteristics, different likes and interests. One characteristic that just happens to be me - is that I recognize an attraction to men. I most likely had this characteristic in pre-earth life, and will most likely always contain that characteristic - post-earth life. I don't need to be fixed!!!
(10) As with any gift, such as a musical ability -- we can train the attraction for good rather than for bad, control it, as all human's have to control desires and passions, and learn to focus the gift appropriately. It takes a ton work, but isn't it worth it?

Next week is General Conference -- I'm looking forward to it, and more personal inspiration.

Life Is Good

2010-08-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take a moment to reflect on how good life can be. I truely believe that God wants each of us to be happy and have joy. While we pursue happiness, there is also opposition in all things. Its a fact of life. I think how each person reacts to opposition shows his or her true character. I know as I work hard to keep the commandments and serve God, my family, friends, and strangers; God blesses me more than I deserve. I have good health and my wife and my family has good health. Wow! what a blessing, I try to never take health for granted. I have good job and I enjoy what I do to make a living. I'm grateful for membership in the church. It keeps me on the straight and narrow and provides an eternal perspective. I have support from family and friends. I enjoy sports and other interests. On top of everything, I'm attracted to guys. Being able to recognize a good looking guy and appreciating the male body is awesome. I never thought I would reach a point in my life, where I would thank God for SSA rather than seeing it as a curse. But I don't think it is a curse. I think it is a gift!

Meeting My Same-Gender Intimacy Needs

2010-05-29T10:20:00.001-07:00

I appreciate all your comments on my last post. I wanted to post part of Kevin's comment from my Homo Emotional Deficit post, because I can also relate to what he said:

I know that when I meet my needs for non-sexual, non-romantic same-gender intimacy, my same-sex attractions all but disappear, and in their place comes a deep, natural attraction to my wife. The opposite is also true. When I am neglecting my need for emotional connection to my brothers, or if I have unresolved emotional issues blocking me from feeling that connection, my SSA starts to increase and my attraction to my wife decreases.

I know that this pattern is true in my life. Many dear friends also relate similar experiences. This has happened time and time again in my life.

I'm sure we all have different ways of meeting our same-gender intimacy needs, but I wanted to list a few that help me to emotionally connect and identify with other men (in no particular order):

(1) Playing sports with other men -- anyone up for baseball, football, basketball? (feeling like your part of a team, the joy of the win, the sorrow of defeat)

(2) Lifting weights with a buddy -- feeling support, feeling strong, feeling confident

(3) Going on a trip -- whether it is short day trip, a hike, or a 7 day cruise with three friends

(4) Getting together with the priesthood brothers to help someone move, (I think we all underestimate the power of service)

(5) Taking a shower together with other friends, such as a public showerroom at the gym after working-out (non-sexual nudity doesn't have to be a bad thing)

(6) Going out and enjoying a nice dinner (But what is better than the midnight dinner and chat at Village Inn or your faviorite local dive)

(7) Going camping -- I look forward to the father and sons outing every year

(8) Hugging and other gestures of physical affection -- what can I say it feels great to be touched

(9) Shaving -- shaving with a friend at the same time at the gym, getting ready to start my work day

(10) Massage - what a great way to bond through non-verbal communication, non-sexual touching has tremedous healing power

(11) Priesthood Meeting -- Going to Stake Priesthood Meeting or General Priesthood Meeting with your priesthood brothers (its even more intimate, when a friend sitting next to you, puts his arm around you, or rubs your back while listening to the speakers)

(12) Watching Sports -- I love when my Bishop invites me over to watch sports with him and his sons! It doesn't getter better than that

(13) House projects -- whether its your house or a friends, getting those power tools in your hands destroying and building is great

(14) Serving in the church -- I look foward to meeting with the Bishopric each Sunday to discuss the needs of the ward to minister together and administer.

(15) Spending time with family -- I love it when they guys get together and do guy things

I could probably list another 15, but those are activities that help me to meet my same gender needs. What's yours?

Homo Emotional Deficit

2010-05-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

Have anyone read the writings on homosexuality by Elizabeth Moberly? I would love to get your comments. She and other of her collegues suggest that that homosexuality is ultimately about rejection of and detachment from self, from others, and one's own gender identity.

There is a large part of me that agrees with her. I have noticed over the years that as I am learning to love myself, learning how to be true friend, learning to be guilt free when desiring male friends and male bonding, and developing friendships and having male bonding experiences that same sex attraction is not as strong, and I don't desire sexual experiences with another man.

Moberly and her collegues suggestion the following:

There is no such thing as true homosexuality. Anyone who experiences same-sex attractions is latently heterosexual and merely stuck in an early stage of psychosexual development. When the causes are revealed and healed, gender identity will be experienced and heterosexual desires will ensue.

Homosexual feelings, thoughts and desires are symptoms of underlying issues. They represent a defensive response to conflicts in the present, a way to medicate pain and discomfort. They represent unresolved childhood trauma, archaic emotions, frozen feelings, wounds that never healed. They also represent a reparative drive to fulfill unmet homo-emotional love needs of the past --

Homosexuality represents an attachment strain, defensive detachment or defensive exclusion from the same-sex parent, same-sex peers, one's own body, and one's own sense of gender identity.

Homosexuality is an attachment disorder, whereby the individual feels separated from parents, self, body and others. "I don't fit in," "I don't belong," "I'm different from the rest," "I'm neither a boy nor girl," are some of the thoughts of those who experience same-sex attractions. The result is a gender identity deficit disorder.

Some events or elements that can lead to feeling homosexual can include:

Temperament
Some of the temperamental characteristics that may lead to a Gender Identity Deficit Disorder are hypersensitivity, a more artistic nature, a more masculine female, a more feminine male, and a "high maintenance" child.

Homo-emotional Wounds
In the father-son, mother-daughter relationship, the child perceives or experiences their same-sex parent as either cold, distant, absent, passive, abusive or excessively involved in his or her life. This homo-emotional wound is a key factor in the development of what may later appear as same-sex attractions.

Body Image Wounds
Late bloomer, early maturation, physical disabilities, shorter, taller, skinner, or fatter -- these are some characteristics that may result in body image wounds.

Social or Peer Wounds
Some experiences and characteristics individuals with same-sex attractions have lived through include: name calling, put downs, goody-goody, teacher's pet, non athletic, lack of rough and tumble for boys, and too much rough and tumble for girls.

Cultural Wounds
Cultural wounds are experienced from the media, educational system, entertainment industry, internet, and pornography. These influences lead to the molestation of the mind.

There are other elements, but as I have stated in past blogs, some of my own previous experiences or jealoousies relate to some of the elements described above. For me, as I work continue to become a "whole" person, the same sex attraction becomes less and less a predominant charateristic in my life.

Going to Church

2010-05-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

I look forward to attending my church meetings each week. It is an opportunity to feel the fellowship of the other members -- to feel of their love, their testimonies, their examples, and their friendship. It is an opportunity to receive instruction - to learn or be reminded of gospel principles. It is an opportunity to feel the strength of the Spirit to help me get through another hectic week in the world. It is opportunity to serve and to participate in the meetings (to speak, to pray, to teach, to bear testimony, to sing, and to serve and assist others). But most importantly the I look forward to attending church so that I can receive the sacrament.

The blessing of the sacrament is very powerful for me. By partaking of the sacrament worthily we have the opportunity to: (1) renew our covenants that we made at baptism, (2) show gratitude for the blessings that we have received, (3) forgive self, and forgive others, and (4) seek personal revelation.

It is through the sacrament that I have learned a lot about myself and SSA. When we take the sacrament, we have the opportunity to reflect on the previous weeks mistakes and learn from them so we can move-on and better ourselves. We all know when we have committed a sin. We know of moments in our lives when the some of the following have happened: We know when we have felt lust, objectification, envy, etc. towards the male body. We know that homosexual desires/thoughts are a sin. We know that thoughts or desire a male partner are not in-line with God's plan. But through the process of the sacrament we have be forgiven of those types of sin, and we can not only control those thoughts, but change our thoughts so they are in-line with God's plan.

But I feel that during the sacrament that I don't need to seek forgiveness for certain thoughts or feelings, because they are not a sin. For example, enjoying a platonic male bonding experience with a good friend, or desiring male friendship. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't need to be forgiven for recognizing the beauty of the male body. (To me their is a big difference between appreciation and lust.) We know when a man has been blessed with physical beauty, but to me homosexuality and a same sex attraction are worlds apart.

I think the most important part of the sacrament is gratitude for the blessings that I have. Most importantly, I am grateful to wife who loves me and accepts me unconditionally. She knows that I feel the same for her. She knows that I support the family proclomation 100 percent, and well as all principles of the gospel. It interesting to me as I age, and I as strive to live the commandments, that over time I do feel a change inside. When I was teenager and in my early 20's, I was "boy crazy." While I never had a sexual experience with a guy, I committed sin. I had fantasies, etc. I notice as I put my whole heart into the gospel and live it, and as I mature(age), I no longer desire anything to do with homosexuality. I don't think about men in a sexual ways. I don't desire a partner, etc. I am content being married to my wife, and I appreciate her beauty and being with her. I am also content with male friendships that I have. I don't need anything more than friendship, I don't need or want a "lover."

I also appreciate the personal revelations that I received during the sacrament. I really believe the gospel is real, and that plan of salvation applies to all of us. It is just a step by step process, that we refine ourselves and become more God like!

Jealousy (Part 3)

2010-05-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

I am no longer jealous about what I am going to talk about anymore, it only took about 20 years to get over it, but I was wondering if anyone reading my blog has had a similar jealousy as me. When I was a boy, before I went through puberty, I was excited about the idea of becoming a "man." I was looking forward to the physical changes that were going to take place.

When I started to go through puberty, lets just say I was very disappointed with the results. I didn't see a lot of changes. I would have preferred more body hair growth. I had only scant pubic hair and arm pit hair grow and I was basically done. From the time I was 12 until I was 25 I felt completely inferior and completely "unmanly". I didn't feel like a man, and I didn't have self confidence. I was extremely jealous of friends who had a lot of body hair. I felt completely alone. When I was 25, I become friends with a guy, and I noticed in the locker room that he had minimal hair growth similar to me. That was a huge relief for me, not to feel so alone. I finally started to get over it. Since that time I have met a few other guys that look similar to me, so I don't feel like I am such a freak anymore. Through the teenage years, I was always worried that if a man saw me naked they would laugh at me or not want to be friends.

Now I more fully appreciate the body that God has given me as is. I am a man! I don't care if I have more hair or less hair, I don't care about size, I don't care if I have a birth mark etc. I think the more important thing is to take care of the bodies that we have been given -- get adequate rest, good nutrition, and exercise regularly. I think that is one way how we show proper respect for our bodies. In addition, we need to follow the church's counsel stay morally clean, obey the Word of Wisdom, avoid tattoo's, body piercings, and dress appropriately. I do my best to follow the standards that I have set for myself.

On another note, I have been working on improving my swimming skills, and I swim with the masters. That has really increased my confidence, and male bonding. I got to say its great to feel confident wearing a speedo when I swim, and its cool to be with other guys that feel the same confidence.

Friendships

2010-04-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

Good male friendships are so important to me. When I have good solid friendships, and I feel the male bonding, the love, and the trust; it is so much easier to manage the SSA. When I feel the platonic love, the actual attraction actually diminishes. When I have lonely moments in my life, and I don't feel the love or the bond, the attraction is actually more intense.

I don't have a lot of close male friendships. I wish I had more, but I do have a few. I really appreciate those relationships that I do have. However, what do I do when I feel that emptyness inside? I like feeling "whole" and "connected." When I have moments that I feel lonely, longing for male companionship, wishing I had a friend to go to lunch with or go on a hike, or play racquetball, etc.; I can get kind of down. Anyone one reading my blog, I would like to know how you deal with those moments in your life.

General Conference

2010-04-03T09:34:00.001-07:00

It is time once again to have the opportunity to listen to General Conference. I love it when General Conference falls on Easter. I can't think of a better way to feel of the Spirit, and to celebrate the gift of the resurrection and the other gifts the Savior has given us. General Conference gives un opportunity to hear of the testimonies of our prophet, apostles, and other church leaders. I appreciate their warnings, their guidance, and their counsel. Many people walk away from conference feeling uplifted, recharged, synegized, ready to continue in the straight and narrow path. They are grateful to be reminded of their responsibilities, and not only reminded, but are recommitted to try to live their life a little better.

There is always a few who walk away dissappointed, critical of the speakers or topics, and find it difficult to receive the messages. In most of my experiences this group of people find the truth to be harsh, simply because they don't want to live some aspect of the gospel of Christ. It can be challenging to do what is right, but as live the gospel as is, without wanting to make changes, we grow, we progress, and we become more like God. But that is the whole point of the gospel. I love it!

Jealousy (Part II)

2010-03-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

I re-read last week's post realized that my spirits were a little down, and I felt a little frustrated. However, this week I have shaken off the frustration, I have felt great, having my usual optimistic outlook on life, the love for God, and the love for my neighbor. I appreciatge people's comments on last week's post and it helped to remember that everyone has moments in their lives when they feel alone, even in a crowded room. Everyone also has moments when they feel on the "outside." This week I took the time to count my blessings and it has been great. I had some great associations with my friends. One friend invited me to play racketball with him, and I enjoyed that challenge. I will continue to work-on that jealousy.

Once in awhile I think my mind or anyone's mind can become clouded and we feel "picked-on" because we have to deal with SSA or whatever challenge. I think of all the trials and tribulations that Joseph Smith went through, but rather than be discouraged or depressed, he was so positive and optimisitic. He once wrote: "Now what do we hear in the gospel which we have received? A voice of gladdness! A voice of mercy from heaven; and a voice of truth out of the earth."

My second jealousy that I want to mention, that I have had to learn to get under control is the lack of athletic ability. I love to run, swim, hike, etc., but those types of activities don't require the coordination of the many skills on the basketball court. I always shyed away from the big three: basketball, baseball, and football. If I could go back and grow-up again, I would force myself on the court or field and learn to play them. Wait a minute, its never too late to start. I think ask a friend to shoot some hoops with me and give me some pointers. Then I can join ward ball, so what if I'm terrible, so what if I make a point for the other team. Why not face our jealousies, our fears, our weaknesses head-on.

I think that is thing about jealousy. One can either sit there feeling sorry for himself, or he get up off his rear and do something about it. I used to not be too interested in watching the big three on TV, but now I love it, I understand the basic concepts of the games, and I have my teams and players that I cheer-on.

Can we get enough of March Madness? I think not. I look foward to it every year. I love participating in (non-betting) pools, and see how well I guess the outcome. This year has been fantastic. Look at the upsets, Duke was the only number one seed to make it to the final four. I love watching the games, watching the surprises, the athletic ability, and hearing the roar of the crowd. I love wathcing Duke's Jon Scheyer (#30 in the pic) play. What a ball player! He can make those 3-pointers with ease, and he is an incredible offensive rebounder. Whoever thought Butler would make it to the final four, Butler's Gordan Hayward is a very talented guy on the court. It is simply awesome. Who is going to win it all? Duke or Butler?

Anyway, I have taken a long detour, but through my teenage years and so-on there have been times when I have been jealous of friends or other guys that have natural athletic ability that I don't seem to possess. However, I thank the Lord for the talents that I do have, and I have tried to magnify those talents. I believe that each of us may not have a natural ability to do something (such as play basketball), but if we really want to learn it, to become better at it, we can do it. After all each of us are a child of God. We may not be the very best, but we can have fun, enjoy it, and be happy! I think something similar could be said about marriage to a member of the oppossite sex. It may not be natural ability for some, but it can learned, it can fun, it can be enjoyable, and produce happiness.

Jealousy (Part I)

2010-03-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

I want to write several blogs about jealousy over the next few months. Jealousy is one of my biggest hang-ups. Lately I have been a little frustrated/jealousy over the lack of the close friendships that I have. I know that I have friends out there that care about me, but I don't feel tight bonding experiences that I think that a lot of other guys have.

A couple of weeks ago I was at church hanging out in the hall with a guy just visiting, when another guy up and started chating with us. After a few moments, the second guy that came up wanted to take-off and go get a treat, so he asked the first guy to go with me and they left. I just felt left out of the fun. I wished that they would have invited me to go along. Maybe because I'm in the Bishopric, they felt I not able to let "my hair down a little." I don't know the reason, I just wanted to be invited. Hence JEALOUSY.

Also, within the last three weeks, I have had other similar experiences. I was at the pool swimming some laps. A guy in the lane next to me was swimming, but he kept lookin over at me. I felt like he wanted to strike up a basic conservation, but was too shy. I'm not shy, so I said hello, and he responded. After I finished swimming, I got out of the pool and headed for the lockerroom. He was only a minute or so behind. We started talking in the lockerroom, and I thought we had a great conservation. I thought here is a chance to make a new friend. I was kind of excited about this possibility. When we were leaving I said, see you on Thursday (because he said he swims Tuesdays and Thursdays). Well I have never seen him since. I see other buddies at pool swimming together, etc. Sometimes I would like the same thing, since this hopeful opportunity to meet a new friend didn't work-out, the end result was JEALOUSY.

I could give other examples, but I think everyone gets the point. I don't want to say that I don't have friends because I do, and I feel very blessed. But sometimes I just don't feel included, or sometimes feel that I'm looking through the window at life from the outside. When I get really jealous, I feel this stirs up my emotions and actually increases the same sex attraction emotions and desires. When I feel that I on the "in" and feel connected with other men then I actually feel the same sex attraction diminishes. I feel that is a constant battle for to work at feeling connected and feeling love from other men, and to keep the jealousy at bay. Does anyone else out there struggle with this?

The Importantance of Being Physically Fit

2010-03-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

Healthy living and physical fitness are closely connected. I believe that being physically fit not only helps people live longer, but helps people live healthy lives. We know many of the benefits of physical fitness for body (avoiding frequent illness, building stronger bones,etc.). In this day and age, it is sad to see the rising number of young people that have Type II diabetes, due to obesity and the amount of sugar that is consumed. Young people need to turn off the computer, the video game, etc., and get out there and do something physical.

I believe that physcial activity and exercise help improve a person's overall outlook on life and help us as SSA men keep SSA in the proper perspective. Physical fitness helps us to better handle emotions, challenges, frustation, changes, and opportunities that we face daily.

When a person exercises for at least 20 minutes, the body releases endorphins, proteins in the brain, and we actually get a natural high. These endorphins help us to:

(1) improve concentration
(2) lift the blues and lower anxiety
(3) handle stress better
(4) build self-confidence and self- esteem
(5) feel calmer (and in-control) and help us sleep better

I am a big fan of physical fitness. I lift weights three times a week, so each muscle group gets a work-out each week. I run 20 to 25 miles a week, and I swim 1 to 2 miles a week. I think I'm going to set a new goal for myself and taking up biking, and train for a triathlon. I'll do it in baby steps, I think I'll train for a 1/2 triathlon first, and see how that goes.

I'm going to challenge all readers of my blog, to turn off the computer, to put down the book or the newspaper, to turn off the TV, etc., and get out there at least three times week for at least a half-hour and engage in physcial activities and exercise that includes all three types of physical activity, stretching and toning, muscle-bulding, and cardiovascular or aerobic, that is fun and enjoyable and make it a permanent part of your life.

I believe in living a balanced life and making time for the daily basics: daily prayer, daily scipture study, daily exercise, appropriate nutrition, and to work hard and serve others to live a full and happy life. People living in ancient Greece recognized that physical fitness was just as important as knowledge and learning. Ancient Greeks strove to well-rounded individuals, so should we.

A Straight Man's Thoughts

2010-02-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

I was talking with a co-worker this past week, and we got on the topic of homosexuality and the gay lifestyle. My co-worker mentioned that he has a friend who is gay, and has left the church to pursue a relationship with another man. My co-worker is a little frustrated with his friend and the decision he has made. He made some interesting comments and I wanted to share them with you, and get your feeback and comments.

He said, "why do some people with same sex attraction or tendencies have to act on them. Just because sexual activities with members of the same sex would feel good to some people does not make it right." He continued, "I am a straight man and I'm only sexually attracted to women, but I can say that if I was with a good male friend, and he started to fondle genitals, it would probably feel pleasurable. But, again it doesn't make it right. The Lord has asked us to only have sexual experiences with our spouses. I could enjoy sexual experiences with other women besides my wife, but I am commanded to discipline and control my sexual desires."

He further stated, "I don't see why some men and women with SSA in the church, don't look for a spouse to share their life together, to look for companionship, and try to have sexual relationship and have children. Even if some members have tendencies toward the same sex, can't they still enjoy sexual pleasure to a degree with their spouse?" Continuing in the words of my co-worker, "Like I said I'm not attracted to men, but it can still feel good to receive physical affection from another male. If SSA members are trying to keep the Lord's commandments, I believe the Lord can help them to acomplish the Lord's goals to marry and to possibly have children, not that it will be easy, but it is possible." He then referred to Nephi obtaining the brass plates.

"Nephi was commanded to return from the wilderness to obtain the plates of brass from Laban. That was the Lord's commandment, but the commandment was not easily accomplished. Laban did not easily hand over the plates. It took three attempts, with much difficulty before Nephi was able to obtain the plates. In the process:

(1) Nephi and his brothers had to flee from Laban and his and his severants who sought their lives.
(2) Nephi's family lost all of their their possessions.
(3) Nephi was beaten by his brothers with rod, and
(4) Nephi had to kill Laban.

In the end Nephi was able to keep the commandment of the Lord and obtain the plates, and the Lord did deliever Laban into his hands, but Nephi had to go through a lot to keep the Lord's commandment."

My co-workers point is SSA members of the church can keep the Lords commandments, and he recognizes it is a difficult road to walk, but he and I both beleive the journey is worth it, and the Lord will help us! Any Comments?

Why I Chose to Marry

2010-02-19T16:41:00.000-08:00

The bottom line is. . . I love my wife. I enjoy being with her, I enjoy talking to her, I enjoy doing things for her, and I enjoy making her happy. I want to be married to her forever, not just for this life, so we got married in the temple. We dated for several years. We broke-up twice, and I dated other women. But I would always rather be with her. I am comfortable being around her, and I can just be myself.

Plus, she really loves me. She would do anything for me, and enjoys supporting me and making me happy. I am gone a lot with work and church work, but she is always by my side, helping me to look good.

When I was dating in college, at BYU, I did it for the wrong reasons. I was trying to keep up an appearance, and trying to force myself to be attracted to women. It just didn't work, so I stopped dating. Later on I started dating again because I wanted to get to know the woman that I was dating, I wanted companionship, etc. When I started dating my wife, it was because I genuinely wanted to date her, not because I was trying to force the relationship or force an attraction to the opposite sex. I feel we have a good mariage. We have calm, harmonious relationship. We do not fight or get mad at each other. We do not always disagree, but what couple does? She likes it cool to sleep, and I like it warm. So be it.

In addition, I feel the blessing of the Lord for keeping his commandments. I received personal revelation that I was suppose to marry my wife. I believe that even though I'm attracted to men, I can enjoy a full life being married to my wife. I believe that is the ultimate goal for all of us to marry a member of the opposite sex and live the oath and covenant of the priesthood, and dwell with God in the Celestial Kingdom. Some may not have an opportunity in this life, but the Lord is just, and those people will have the opportunity in the next life. I have a strong testimony the gospel as is, and I support the Family Proclamation 100 percent!

What Is SSA?

2010-02-12T13:21:00.000-08:00

The best definition that I have seen of SSA is: Same-sex attraction is an intense interest in others of the same gender. This interest may include desires for their attention, friendship, intimacy, or a fascination with their bodies and other gender traits. It may also include erotic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors directed toward the same gender. The psychological community uses the term homosexuality to refer to the entire complex that includes attractions, feelings, desires, sexual behavior, identity, and all its associated aspects, such as problems with masculinity or femininity, self-perception, emotional dependencies, and relationship issues.

A person who experiences same-sex attraction may experience one or more of the following:

(1) Intense attractions toward people of the same gender. (These feelings may or may not be sexual or erotic.)

(2) Intense emotional involvement with people of the same gender.

(3) Sexual behavior. (The presence or absence of homosexual behavior does not determine whether someone experiences same-sex attraction–it cannot be identified simply by the presence or absence of outward sexual behavior.)

I do not believe that being attracted to members of the same sex in a sin, but I believe that homosexual acts are a sin, and lusting after men or erotic thoughts and fantasies are sinful as well.

I believe it is not helpful to:

(1) deny that you have an attraction to the same gender.

(2) pray for the attraction to go away, (you may be dissappointed in God in the attraction does not go away). I don't know of anyone who has said, they have been able to pray the attraction away. You might want to pray for ways to manage the attraction, pray for ways to heal the lack of male bonding that your are missing, etc. Maybe the attraction keeps us humble. Maybe it will go away, maybe it won't. Maybe it will go away when we die, maybe it won't. I think the best advice is: don't worry about whether it will or won't go away, just properly manage it!

(3) induldge in homosexual activity.

(4) feel shame or self-hate, or believe that God hates you because you are attracted to the same gender.

(5) isolate yourself from members of the same gender.

(6) be secret about it. You cannot meet reslove the internal turmoil and innner conflicts by being secret. You got to be able to talk it out. It doesn't mean you have to be open to everyone, but a few close friends can offer valuable support.

(7) try to force opposite sex attraction. Every time I would try to force it, I just felt worse inside and more inner turmoil.

Two thought questions:

(1) Are men who consider themselves SSA really that different than other men? (Two straight men who are good friends -- they love each other, care for each other, want to spend time together, are interested in each other, and to some degree are attracted to each other.)

(2) Is SSA a gift from God? (In other words, is it a privilege to be able to recognize the beauty of man?) I like the color green, I will probably always like the color green. I am fine if I always like the male body. There are a lot of speculation on the causes of SSA, to be honest they do not interest me. I think the bottom line is we just don't know.

A Word of Wisdom

2010-02-06T17:06:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about the Word of Wisdom lately. The Lord loves each of us enough to give us the revelation found in D&C 89, commonly referred to as the Word of Wisdom. The Lord wants each of us to be happy and free. He knows that in this mortal existance our bodies are subject to disease, influence, and addictions. So we can happy, healthy, and truely have his spirit to be with us he gave us the revelations found in D&C 89, when we were ready to receive it.

Some people view this section as a sacrifice, a restriction, and/or a limitation. But in reality it is a guide and warning so we can be free from the influence, addictions, and other ill health effects that can be cause by: alcohol, tobacco, drugs (illegal and abusive use of prescription drugs), coffee, and tea. Man, through scientific study, has given us some reasons to validate possible health problems that can be caused by taking the above mentioned substances. But does that matter if man validates the revelation or not? NO! We should pray about it, receive our own personal testimony of this revelation. We then should have act on the faith and follow what Joseph Smith said in his personal journal, "When the Lord commands, Do It!" It is simple!

In addition, the Lord recommends that we use fruits and grains with prudence and thanksgiving. The Lord does not give us the letter of the law in all things, as he did in the time of Moses. We are children of God, we can think for ourselves, we can make our own decisions, the Lord wants us to use wisdom and to apply this revelation to other aspects of our life as well. We don't need to be told exactly what to do. Is the Word of Wisdom about caffine? No! That is man's reasoning. Otherwise we would not be eating chocolate and other consumables. It's like pop -- Coke, Pepsi, etc. We need to be able to decide for ourselves whether to consume those items. I choose not to drink pop. I don't think it is good for me.

I think this section also relates to SSA. The Lord really wants us to be happy and he has plan for each of us. He has asked us to only have sexual relations with our spouse, who is a member of opposite sex. I think we can pray about it, receive our own personal revelation, and then act on the faith and follow the commandment with exactness! Is it easy? NO! But we can do it! We can dicipline our thoughts and our actions in dealing with SSA, just like the Word of Wisdom. If we will do his will, we will be blessed! Just like the last verse in D&C 89. The positive consequences of obeying the Word of Wisdom should stand alone. But the Lord loves us much, that if we obey it, we will receive additional blessings that are stated in the last verse! What a great revelation! It is hard to comprehend how much the Lord loves each of us.

Why I Blog

2010-02-03T08:21:00.000-08:00

I started this blog for three reasons. The first reason is selfish. I needed to vent my inner feelings. I wanted a mechanism where I could open up and share my personal thoughts on SSA and my own challenges, frustrations, strengths, and weaknesses. Second, I wanted to have a blog to provide support for other men that deal with SSA or SGA whatever you want to call it. Third, I wanted to be able to discuss gospel priniciples. Nothing is more important to me than family, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

Blogging can get out of control. It is great the Lord has blessed us with the technology to communicate with other people throughout the world so easily. Blogging itself is not a bad thing, but anything that becomes an obsession, such as blogging or spending too much time reading blogs, is not good. I want to make sure I keep myself in-check. I like routine and balance and want to make sure that I keep it that way. I have spent too much time lately reading blogs (on all sorts of topics, not just SSA). Also, I don't want to blog too frequently spending too much time thinking about myself, or becoming too absorbed talking about SSA is just not healthy. A little can be theraputic, but I'll see how I feel in a month.

I like to make sure that I'm always doing the basics: daily exercise, daily prayer, daily scripture study, regular temple attendance, fulfilling my calling (I'm currently the second counselor in the Bishopric), completing work responsibilities, serving and caring for others, family history research, etc. We all have moments in our lives, when something unexpected arises and we temporarily get out of balance, but after the unexpected event is resolved balance returns. Anytime we ignore or give-up the basics, spending too much time doing one thing, suching as watching TV, movies, blogging, etc., then we lose balance in our lives and slowly beging to lose focus on what is really important in this life. I liked a talk that Elder Oaks gave several years ago on this topic, when a virtue becomes a vice. One of his examples, was serving others is great, but it should not be at a high cost of neglecting our own families.

Lonely

2010-02-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

Last week for some reason I felt lonely, even though I was frequently around other people. To be frank, I just wanted a hug from a man. I never got one. What am I suppose to do, go up to a friend at church, and ask "will you hug me, I just need one?" He would probably laugh. I have a friend in the ward who is a "hugger," but he is only semi-active, and he wasn't at church. If he had been there I would have went up to him and hugged him.

I do not need or desire to have sexual experiences with another man, but I do need physical affection. Occassionally, I want to hug or touch another man and I want to be touched. Most of the time I feel "whole," and don't care if I'm getting any attention from a man. But once in awhile, I just emotionally ache to have a little attention and physcial affection. Those moments can be very frustrating.

Overcoming Addictions

2010-01-25T11:03:00.000-08:00

I have been asked from my first post to respond how I was able to stop my addiction to masturbation. First let me say, I started experimenting with masturabation around 11 or 12, but it did not take long for me to become addicted, it become a weekly thing fairly quickly. When I was 16 or 17 I tried to quit, but I could not stop. I told my Bishop, but his response was try to keep it under control. At that time, I thought I was the only one who did it. Later on mission, I learned that I had several companions that had the same habit. I thought at the time, maybe it is not that big of a deal. After my mission, the addiction become worse. It went from weekly to daily. When I was about 25 years old, I decided not to lie to myself anymore -- masturbation is simply wrong, it is a sin, and I wanted to quit. I wanted to be in control of my body, rather than my body controling me. I was already doing the basics: daily prayer, scripture reading, regular excerise, regular temple attendance, attending my meetings, home teaching, etc. But I needed additional assitance to quit:

(1) Accountability -- I told my best friend that I wanted to quit. I reported to him weekly my honest results of the previous week for many months.
(2) Avoid Isolation -- I never let myself be alone. I was either at school, with friends, working-out, etc. Also, since I mostly fell into the addiction at night, I sometimes would ask my best friend to sleep by me, so that I would not give into to the desire.
(3) Avoid Triggers -- I really tried to avoid triggers, my number one trigger was jealousy. I was jealous of men, I saw qualities in them that I did not feel that I had, this includes friendships between men. The topic of jealousy needs to be saved for another post. My second big trigger was stress. Stress of school, stress of homework, the stress of not being righteous enough, etc. I talked out my jealousy issue with a couple of good friends, and I learned to manage stress better. I also changed my focus in college in grad. school, and that helped a ton.
(4) Stay busy -- I think this one is self-explanatory. An idle hand is not good.
(5) Physical Excercise -- I can't hit this hard enough, physcial exercise does so many good things for us. Exercise reduces the need to masturbate.
(5) Help from God. God will find a ways to help you to quit. Rely on Him with 100 percent faith.

I realize many teenagers experiement, some become addicted. Many adult men married and single are addicted. Some men do it just occasscionally, maybe a few times a year, others weekly. Masturbation is not a serious sin, but it is a sin. If I were a Bishop and someone came to me for council, I would say it is wrong, and sexual pleasure should only be experienced with one's spouse. That being said, I realize everyone has challenges and struggles and for some this is a huge challenge. I don't think men or women are bad people, just because they deal with this issue. I hope I don't come across too harsh, but I feel we should try to control and discipline our bodies in all aspects of our lives -- eating, exercise, etc. Discipline -- it's a good thing! Its also important to remember just because someone has an addicition does not mean they are a bad person. All of us have weaknesses.

The Blessing of a Prophet

2010-01-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

I was thinking this last weekend what a great blessing it is to have a living prophet who is called by God, who is the Lord's mouthpiece. Thomas S. Monson is the only person living on earth who is authorized to use all priesthood keys.

I not only have a firm testimony of the First Vision, but I have testimony that John the Baptist, and later Peter, James, & John restored the Aaronic and Melchizedek priesthood to Joseph Smith. Also a week after the dedication of the Kirkland Temple: Moses appeared to Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery and restored the keys of the gathering of Isreal from the four parts of the earth, and the leading of the ten tribes from the land of the north. Elias (who lived at the time of Abraham) then appeared and conferred the "the dispensation of the gospel of Abraham." Third Elijah appeared and "the keys of this dispensation" were committeed into Joseph's hands. Through the sealing keys that were restored by by Elijah, saints could now perform saving priesthod ordinances in behalf of the dead as well as for the living. It is a huge blessing to be living in the dispensation of the fullness of times, when all the priesthood keys have been restored to the earth.

It is amazing to live when all of the priesthood keys have been passed on from Joseph Smith to Brigham Young and every other prophet to Thomas S. Monson. Is the prophet perfect? No. Does he make mistakes too? Of Course. Does he have his own opinions, in addition to speaking for the Lord? Yes. The main thing is he strives diligently to serve the Lord and serve the members of the church. Does he try his best? I think he does.

I'm Sticking to the Plan

2010-01-22T11:50:00.001-08:00

I am a "card carrying", active member of the LDS church. I feel the LDS church does not tie me down, but offers me the freedom and the opportunity to become my personal best. Yes, I find men attractive, but rather than view it as a negative, I see it as a gift from God. I do not worry about the cause: nature vs nuture, or some of both. I do not need the attraction to men to go away. If it is a part of who I am--then good. However, I have not interest in dating or seeking a partner. I believe in family and marriage, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. I want to be married forever. I want my family to continue on forever. I appreciate the church's guidance on this issue, and the wisdom of church leadership. I believe that being attracted to men is not a sin, but homosexual act are a sin, this includes lusting after men. Am I perfect no? But I try to control my thoughts.

I decided a blog would be a good place to share some of my thoughts and feelings about my attraction to men that I feel that I cannot share with family and friends. I have only shared my personal attraction to men with a few people. This is a private and personal characteristic. (Some of my ward members would freak, if they found out a member of their Bishopric was attracted to men.)

To begin with I'm not sure I like the DNS address name of my blog. I am an active mormon, but I do not consider myself gay. If your definition of gay is a man being attracted to or fascinated with the male body, then yes I am gay. However, my definition of gay is a man who is pursuing a sexual relationship with another man. This is not me. I am not into labels. However, I have decided to use the word gay in my DNS address, because it is an common search term that others may use to locate information about a LDS guy dealing with SSA.

There have been times in years past when I have been curious about what it would be like to have a sexual experience with another man. However, I have never had a sexual experience with another man. Now I don't entertain those thoughts anymore. I just want good friendships and platonic male bonding.

I was born and raised in the church by two awesome parents. I have been active all of my life. I served a mission. I went to BYU. I got married in the temple. I currently serve in a Bishopric in my ward. I love the Lord. I Love my Savior. I love and respect the power of the Priesthood. I try to follow the Savior and honor the Priesthood. But I'm not perfect.

My biggest problem as a teenager was that I was addicted to masturbation. I did it about daily for 10 years. Finally, I quit. I am proud to say it has been over 10 years since I have masturbated. Addictions are so challenging, and my addiction made me feel so trapped. But because someone has an addiction, does not mean a person is bad. After I was able to learn to control my body, I felt being released from the ropes. I feel much more self confident, and more worthy of the companionship of the HG now I am in control. I am also glad that I never got into porn. I have a few friends that have been so addicted to it, it has proven to complicate their lifes. Sure, I have seen some pictures of naked men (and women), but somehow I avoided that porn addiction.

What am I looking for in life concerning relationships with men? All I want is to develop close interpersonal friendships throughout my life. I want male friends where I can share ideas, thoughts, and love. I long and look for good male bonding experiences -- playing sports together, going to dinner, talking, hiking, etc. I am fine with physical affection, a massage, non-sexual nudity, etc. But I do not want or hope for a time or place, or another life, where men marry men or have sexual relationships together. I'm sticking with the gospel and the plan of salvation!