I want to write several blogs about jealousy over the next few months. Jealousy is one of my biggest hang-ups. Lately I have been a little frustrated/jealousy over the lack of the close friendships that I have. I know that I have friends out there that care about me, but I don't feel tight bonding experiences that I think that a lot of other guys have.
A couple of weeks ago I was at church hanging out in the hall with a guy just visiting, when another guy up and started chating with us. After a few moments, the second guy that came up wanted to take-off and go get a treat, so he asked the first guy to go with me and they left. I just felt left out of the fun. I wished that they would have invited me to go along. Maybe because I'm in the Bishopric, they felt I not able to let "my hair down a little." I don't know the reason, I just wanted to be invited. Hence JEALOUSY.
Also, within the last three weeks, I have had other similar experiences. I was at the pool swimming some laps. A guy in the lane next to me was swimming, but he kept lookin over at me. I felt like he wanted to strike up a basic conservation, but was too shy. I'm not shy, so I said hello, and he responded. After I finished swimming, I got out of the pool and headed for the lockerroom. He was only a minute or so behind. We started talking in the lockerroom, and I thought we had a great conservation. I thought here is a chance to make a new friend. I was kind of excited about this possibility. When we were leaving I said, see you on Thursday (because he said he swims Tuesdays and Thursdays). Well I have never seen him since. I see other buddies at pool swimming together, etc. Sometimes I would like the same thing, since this hopeful opportunity to meet a new friend didn't work-out, the end result was JEALOUSY.
I could give other examples, but I think everyone gets the point. I don't want to say that I don't have friends because I do, and I feel very blessed. But sometimes I just don't feel included, or sometimes feel that I'm looking through the window at life from the outside. When I get really jealous, I feel this stirs up my emotions and actually increases the same sex attraction emotions and desires. When I feel that I on the "in" and feel connected with other men then I actually feel the same sex attraction diminishes. I feel that is a constant battle for to work at feeling connected and feeling love from other men, and to keep the jealousy at bay. Does anyone else out there struggle with this?
when i'm feelin' jealous of someone, I just think of all the good in my life and it helps tons!
ReplyDeleteyes, I have struggled with this for a long time. I to have lots of friends both male and female, but not one I feel like I could bare my soul to and bond with in a non sexual way. I have desired such a friend for along time. Just someone to share what life is like for me and he would understand and not be offended. Maybe someday he will come along.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog posts. I am a straight, LDS married woman who has had friendships with gay men from openly gay non-members who respect my beliefs, to active LDS men who have left the gay lifestyle and chosen to marry in the temple, to a very angry activist(non-member) gay friend who has really persecuted me for supporting prop 8. I really admire you and your strength and determination to follow the Savior and persevere in the light of such adversity. As far as the jealousy thing goes, of course as a woman I definitely get that, (we can be pretty catty), but I've even see how it effects my husband. He maybe isn't as insightful as you about it, but I can tell a difference in his emotional well-being when he feels a strong connection with other men, and has solid friendships with them.
ReplyDeleteI think we all struggle with this at some level - I know I do. I don't think you're at all out of the norm. I found myself longing for that sense of inclusion just the other day.
ReplyDeleteWow - Yes, I definitely relate. We need some good guy friendships.
ReplyDeleteSuch feelings of jealousy are often centered on "not being in the position to have what they have" kind of thing. Meaning, when I see or read about others with close and meaningful guy-guy relationships, I get those jealous feelings of wondering why not me, too? But then I realize as Troy said above of the good relationships that I do have and try to keep it all in perspective.
ReplyDeleteI'm not an anthropologist by training, but I would be really interested in knowing if men in times past had much better opportunities for solid, longterm bonding than is the case now. I'm thinking of a variety of communities: Mining work where a family of men could live for generations bound together by the glue of constant danger created by the nature of the work, sailing where crews were bound by the communities they sailed from and the community men on the ship, various agrarian communities, the abbey system in the middle ages, outlaw communities, career military and agriculture. Is the potential for death and physical privation that forces collaborative effort really what's missing? Do law enforcement and firefighter's who don't have the job mobility due to unionization issues actually form more of these types of male bonding relationships?
ReplyDeleteAnd, what about the decline of the lodge movement?
For me, jealousy is a like the fuel warning light on my dashboard. It tells me that there is something I want and motivates me to do what I need to to get it. In my personal experience, jealousy is closely linked to shame. When I am jealous of what others have, I am almost always drawing a conclusion about myself that is based in shame. For example, "Something must be wrong with me, since Joe and Frank have those tight experiences and I don't." What could be an opportunity for me to make a move and initiate that kind of relationship becomes a barrier. Instead of moving closer to others, I begin to doubt myself, and that just widens the gap between me and others. That shame is what keeps me waiting for someone else to initiate the relationship. When I take control and initiate relationships in a proactive way, I find that my jealousy fades because I have the connection and love that I am after.
ReplyDeleteOn another note: Tightness, or deep connection, usually exists in a relationship to the degree that those in the relationship are authentic with each other. To me authenticity has to do with being real, being honest, and being vulnerable in a relationship. It requires that I reject the shame that would prevent me from sharing for fear of rejection. Only when I am totally myself in a relationship can I feel the deep connection.
It's great to read you're blog. It's pretty obvious from what you've written what kind of man you are. There aren't too many of us bloggers who still have strong desires to live the Gospel. I sure wish you the best.
Let me know if you ever need anything.